We were supposed to be in the 2016 Ford Flex today by 9:00 a.m. so we could hike to Grey Owl’s Cabin today. The Kingsmere Road is closed during the week and opens for weekend traffic only at Friday at noon. To be in Waskesiu in time to get our backcountry passes, we needed to leave in a decent time.
I took yesterday off with the purpose of packing for the trip while Jordon was at work. Instead I took Oliver’s class some cupcakes for his birthday, I cleaned a rug, and I chilled out a lot. I did no packing.
So last night we are packing in a panic and I have no socks for the hike. I only have ankle socks. Jordon asked me for weeks if I had socks. I told him I did. I didn’t.
So them Mark is trying to pack and isn’t packing at all. He has enough clothes for four days. Finally Jordon just went to bed.
That isn’t a good thing as since I have had depression, I rely on him for almost all decisions around here and that puts an incredible amount of stress on him. Mark does to. He just knows that Jordon will bail us out. So instead of packing, I got mad at him when I was really mad at myself.
This morning Jordon was up at 5:00 a.m. He had said to me last night that if I was serious about going, I needed to be up by 5:30 a.m. so we could get everything checked and double checked. The alarm went off loudly at 5:30 a.m. but I just ignored it forever because as always, I thought Jordon would take care of it.
He was up and showered and ready to go. He ignored it. He told Mark to be up and ready to go by 7:00 a.m. Mark came up about 30 minutes later. During packing I realized how dependent I am on him, he had to tell us what to pack, how to pack, and then when it didn’t work when we didn’t listen to him, how to repack.
So we needed to leave by 9:00 a.m. At 9:30 a.m. Jordon went upstairs and went back to bed. So I got angry at him again but I was really mad at myself. So after yelling and pouting, he just said, we can’t be on the trail late and be safe. We will leave early Saturday morning and be on the trail by 9:00 a.m.
Jordon and I have had some long discussions about the amount of stress I cause him many days and a big part of it is stuff like this. During my depression, he took care of me and that is really hard to shed and force yourself to think independently again. It’s something that I need to start doing because right now he can’t rely on me to do what needs to be done and I can’t either. I’ve turned Jordon into a caregiver and a single parent and that is hard on our relationship. It’s also a horrible model for Mark and Oliver.
The other thing I have realized that I have stopped reading or learning. Some of you have said how hard it was to start reading again once the depression was over but it’s happened. I need to start expanding my brain again, if for anything to prove that I can still do it.
Tomorrow we leave early. It will be good to be on the trail again.